When Is It Time to Move Your Parent Into Skilled Nursing? Answer: Before the Assisted Living Facility (ALF) kicks them out!
Top 5 Signs You’re About to Get the Call
Call from ALF: your elder needs a hospital bed.
Call from ALF: your elder can’t make it to the toilet on their own.
Call from ALF: your elder needs a two-person transfer.
Call from ALF: your elder is spending more time in bed than out of bed.
Call from ALF: your elder isn’t thriving.
Most parents of Gen X friends I talk to refuse to give up their car.
Car = Independence.
My mother refused to give up her bed.
Mom: You got rid of my bed? Why?
Me: Mom, you were lying down all day and you have to sit up.
Mom: That isn’t fair.
Me: Neither is life, a wise sage once told me.
Mom: Was that me?
Me: Yep.
Mom: It’s still not fair.
Me: Nope. It’s not.
Mom: Do I have to have a hospital bed?
Me: Yep.
Mom: Why?
Me: Because you won’t sit up!
Mom: That isn’t fair.
Me: Nope. It’s not.
Every time my phone buzzed with MOM’S ALF, my blood pressure rose by about 10 points. The time had come—again—to be a good daughter, find the next level of care, and “massage” the facts so Mom wouldn’t feel tricked. Go time. Be a good daughter. Blah blah blah.
Phone Call with ALF:
ALF: The issue with your mom is that she’s not a memory care candidate, but she’s also not ambulatory.
Me: Any ideas?
ALF: We could have someone go into her room each day to sit with her.
Me: (Imagining Mom’s 401k evaporating.) Umm, let me get back to you.
Then, a lucky break: Mom broke out in a full-body, undiagnosable rash. Not shingles—she’d had the vaccine. It was an autoimmune explosion of epic proportions. Hospitalization required.
Sister (from the Bay Bridge): ALF called, Mom’s heading to UCSF. Should I go stay with her?
Me (from Melbourne): If you feel like you can do it.
Sister: I’m gonna do it.
Me: Cool, let me know what happens.
A month later, Mom had a diagnosis (thank you, Lisa Sanders) and a one-way ticket to Skilled Nursing. The UCSF team and the rash had done what no one else could: qualified her for assistance (that’s the rub nobody tells you, until you get a rash).
UCSF Social Worker: I’ve faxed 200 SNFs.
Me: They still make fax machines? I mean… Thank you.
The Placement
Mom landed in a Skilled Nursing Facility in Santa Rosa—a downgrade from her deluxe Assisted Living digs in San Francisco. The staff? Angels. The facility itself? A total dump.
When I came back to California for my birthday a few months later, I was terrified to see it. A dear friend met me in the parking lot.
Friend: Let’s go in together.
Me: I’m really scared.
Friend: Let’s sit for a minute. Then we’ll go.
From the moment I walked through the doors, I was plotting her escape. It didn’t feel right. I was angry. Incensed. Feeling helpless from the other side of the world.
The Plan
Back in Australia, I got to work. My Aunt in Massachusetts had just “right-sized”—sold her home, moved into Independent Living near Boston, and casually mentioned that her new community also had a Skilled Nursing Facility.
Aunt: Mom could move here.
Me: Really?
Aunt: Sure. They’ve got space. I’ve checked—it’s nice.
Me: Great, I’ll get the paperwork.
And just like that, I was back in logistics mode. I downloaded Mom’s 135-page medical file, requested bank checks, and filled out forms across time zones.
Her new room? First one past the nurses’ station. Lucky them. If they didn’t answer her buzzer fast enough, she could just yell.
All that was left was the hard part: getting Mom—who hadn’t been out of bed in years—across the country to Boston. No big whoop. HELP!
dōte.worthy:
Next Avenue shares the key facts about a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC) in this article.
a place for mom provides 6 questions to ask yourself if you are wondering if it is time for a nursing home for your aging loved one.
dōte.note:
share a story with dōt.age and help other Gen Xers get out of this mosh pit!